Thursday 24 September 2015

Seven things I don't understand about my wife

Image courtesy of Ambro at
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I met the future Mrs Jones 36 years ago at a social-club disco in the psychiatric hospital where we both worked. We’ve been a partnership ever since. My love for her strengthens with each passing year, and no one understands me better (and vice-versa); we often finish each other’s sentences.

Nevertheless, there are several recurrent behaviours my wife displays that leave me befuddled – perhaps others can inform me whether these actions are peculiar to Mrs Jones or endemic across the female population.


  1. Moving household items for no apparent reason
Often, I return home and believe, for an instant, I’ve mistakenly entered the wrong house as some combination of armchairs, settee, cupboard and coffee table have exchanged places.

On other occasions it is smaller items that are rearranged. In the shower, while facing the gushing water, the shampoo was always on the left while the conditioner lived on the right. One memorable day in July, Mrs Jones swapped them around; it took me three weeks to realise why I wasn’t working up a lather!


 2. A liking for busy outdoor flea markets

My lady could spend a whole day rooting through the stalls on an outdoor market, burrowing into the merchandise in search of a bargain. As for me, I don’t take kindly to the back of my legs being rammed by prams, my ribs poked by pointed elbows and my personal space invaded by a frenzied shopper with body odour and bad breath - all for the sake of buying some crap


  1. Irritation when I leave the toilet seat up
I’ve always struggled to comprehend the angry reaction to my leaving the toilet seat up. I don’t respond with fury when I go to splash the porcelain and find the seat down. In a society of gender equality, shouldn’t she lift it after use so it’s ready for me?  

 
  1. Criticising my dress sense
I accept that selecting matching clothes to wear is not one of my strong points, so I often depend on Mrs Jones to choose my outfits. Sometimes she complains, asking - with hands on hips and indignant expression – ‘do I always have to dress you’. Yet, on the rare occasions when I strike out for independence by dressing myself she responds, ‘Oh no – that shirt doesn’t match those trousers’. What can a guy do?

 
  1. Quilt hogging
Throughout the 30-plus years we’ve slept together, and irrespective of the size of the bed and quilt, there will usually be a point in the depths of night when Mrs Jones turns over while clinging to the bedspread as if on the crest of a roller-coaster ride. This sudden – nay, violent – movement invariably exposes my bare arse to the elements.

 
    6. Inconsistent spending


Courtesy of Stuart Miles at
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Sometimes Mrs Jones will dedicate a whole week to a mission to half our grocery budget, rejoicing in her achievement of saving a few pennies on a loaf or a bag of potatoes. These periods of austerity are punctuated by spending binges when she shops like a crazed Russian oil baron let loose in London’s West End.

 
    7. Fluctuating sexual interest

Now both in our mid-50s, those days of working our way through the Kama Sutra have – sadly – long gone. While my sexual interest remains constant, albeit less than in my young adulthood, Mrs Jones would admit that these days she can take or leave the rumpy-pumpy. Nevertheless, it has not gone unnoticed that there is a sudden increase in her libido in the aftermath of those rare occasions when she's witnessed an attractive woman talking to me.

 
Any help in de-ciphering the mysteries of my wife’s psyche would be gratefully received. I eagerly await your comments.

 

 

25 comments:

  1. Gosh, sorry. My husband (age 55) does some of the same things your wife does, such as rearranging the furniture, telling me what to wear and blanket hogging. He'll waste gas and time driving across the city to find the cheapest possible price on a few grocery items, and then he'll go crazy buying clothes for himself, especially if he's found a good deal online. Both of us hate crowds, so flea markets are out. He doesn't leave the toilet seat up, but it *would* bother me if he did. I don't like having to touch it, unless I know it's pristine, but I suppose that's not really fair of me, because you men have to touch it all lifting it up and putting it back down. It looks much better down, though, too. Lastly, menopause really can take a toll on a woman's libido, not to mention that it becomes harder and harder to feel sexy when things start to wrinkle and sag. I hope someone more helpful than me comes along to leave a comment.

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    1. Not at all, Margot - thank you for your comprehensive feedback. It sounds like your husband and my wife would really get along - or would they be too much alike?

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    2. I imagine they'd really enjoy one another's company, but eventually would have a massive falling out over the placement of a coffee table.

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    3. Yes, you're probably right, Margot.

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  2. I'm pretty sure that the female Viagra pill was recently invented, so you could solve the rumpy-pumpy problem by slipping those into her tea. But have you got what it takes to handle an insatiable woman?

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    1. Nah, the female Viagra pill is no more than a failed antidepressant; in the drug trial, one of the women in the drug-taking group mentioned that she felt a bit more perky! Big pharma is never slow to grasp a business opportunity by preaching lies and distortions. Rant over - thanks for dropping by.

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  3. Your posts are always so enjoyable, especially to an old married guy like me.

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    1. I'm pleased that my ramblings resonate with you.

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  4. ----I just love reading about You and Mrs. Jones.
    I think she and I could def. drink wine together in London's West End!! x

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    1. I'm sure the two of you would have a great night in the West End. Shopping, lunching and, in the evening, taking in a show. The flip side would be that it would inflict a sizable dent in the bank balance!

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  5. Don't even try to understand. It will never happen. Stay clueless as it's better off that way. Woman are a mystery. As men we are too dumb to understand them.

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    1. Do you know, Phil, I think you're right. So no more musings from me about the inner workings of womankind - at least not until my next blog post!

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  6. I'm totally guilty of #5 and #7. I still love that you call sex "rumpy-pumpy." I need to try out that expression on my hubs.

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  7. I'm very much with you on some of these. Especially the constant house rearrangement projects. Some things we're not meant to understand.

    Also, never wear red with blue. Everyone knows that's a big no go! (Do they? Is it? I'm not sure. But it made me sound informed for a second.)

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    1. I'm into red & green combinations myself - 'cos I've got style!

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  8. Good luck with that. I can't help you. I have the same discussion with my husband, in his constant attempt to make me more ORGANIZED. And by that I mean, moving everything from the logical place I where I put it and can find it, to some other designated location in ANOTHER ROOM, which adds time and steps to the process.
    But I stand with her on the toilet seat: KEEP IT DOWN. You can even close the lid, just keep that seat DOWN and you won't find boogers in your food. Deal?

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    1. You females all gang together when it comes to the toilet seat issue. I just don't get it - and I am probably never meant to.

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  9. The biggest thing I don't understand about Mrs. Penwasser? Why she chose to marry ME.
    Apparently a woman with low standards.
    Or an insane one.

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    1. I've always benefited from the fact that a few women like a bit of rough now & again!

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  10. Well, to explain: you're married to a woman. Bwahahahaha. My husband took care of the "rearranging" of the furniture by first, creating a platform bed he built that could never be moved. Then in the living room, he created a wall fixture to put the television on, thus spiking my ability to rearrange the chairs and couch. WHO DOES THAT? It drove me nuts for a long time, but I'm much better now. I do think you'd understand the toilet seat issue if you'd stumble in one night and sit down while the lid is up. Your bum will end up in the icy cold water and you'll understand, totally and completely and never misunderstand that again! I LOVED this post - visiting from Kim's at My Inner Chick. I'll be back!

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    1. What a great comeback! I particularly liked the platform bed that can never be moved. Your husband is a braver man than me - I'd never actively interfere with furniture rearrangement, but rather mutter about it while on the periphery.
      Thank you for dropping by; I'm going to explore your writings now as it sounds like you might have a similar sense of humour to me. Best wishes.

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    2. Well it helped we were newlyweds (later in life ones) and I wanted to please him. I didn't realize he was spiking my furniture rearranging (smile). Yep, I also think our humor is similar - I laughed all the way through this post. I will also check out your other writings. It really is hard to find people of near similar age who are looking at life with humor!

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    3. Oh and p.s., I told my hubby about your wife's bedspread stealing ability so that he'd quit thinking I was out to get him. I don't know why, when I roll over, it takes all the blankets away from him. I mean, he's a big strong man - I tell him over and over, "just hold on to your half" but he swears I turn into a growly bear when he tries that. As if.

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    4. I'm with your husband on this one. At 3.00 am my wife develops super-human upper-body strength. And I'm fearful of waking her by resisting - I learnt early in the relationship that you don't wake a sleeping woman unless one of the kids is ill or the house is on fire!

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