Women are complicated. Sometimes they're unfathomable. Despite a
relationship spanning over 34 years, I cannot yet claim to understand the mind
of Mrs Jones. But I have learnt a few things along the way – how else would I
have survived? – and I’d like to share
them for the benefit of other men out there who might be even more perplexed
than I am about the female psyche.
With regards to her body shape and appearance, a lady will
never ask a question of her man unless she has already identified the response
she wants to hear. Consequently, such questions strike pulsating terror into
the bowels of any male. We know there is a ‘correct’ answer that, if delivered
promptly and with sincerity, could later be rewarded with an assortment of
sexual favours. But get it wrong and punishment awaits, ranging from icy
silences to physical assaults.
So gentleman, here is my guide to how to (and how not to) respond
to six common questions from our partners. If you’re masochistic enough to
offer response 1, brace yourself for punishment of a type that would have seemed gruesome in the dark ages. Offer a response 2 and expect to
spend at least the next 24 hours in social isolation during which she will emit only
one-syllable replies to your attempts to initiate conversation. But get it
right with a response 3 and you could be creasing the sheets while entwined in
the limbs of a passionate woman (that is, your partner).
Question: Which of
these two dresses should I wear at the restaurant tonight? (asked while trying them on)
RESPONSE 1: ‘Won’t your jeans and sweatshirt suffice?
RESPONSE 2: ‘They both look OK’
RESPONSE 3: ‘You look great in both; they each show off your
figure, but I think the red one just edges it’
Question: Do you
think my bingo wings are disappearing? (while
tugging the flabby bits on her upper arms)
RESPONSE 1: ‘No, but all women your age have bingo wings.
And now I come to think of it, even the pretty lass next door has them, and she’s
a lot younger than you’
RESPONSE 2: ‘They’re getting there’
RESPONSE 3: ‘I can’t say I’ve ever noticed them; your arms
always look slender and elegant to me’
Question: My boobs
are getting really floppy; don’t you find them a big turn off?
RESPONSE 1: ‘Yes. They’re like two blubber-filled hammocks
in a gale’
RESPONSE 2: ‘No, I like them floppy’
RESPONSE 3: ‘I love your boobs; what man wouldn’t? Soft and
natural and so much better than those plastic ones that some models flash
across the newspapers’
Question: Does my
butt look big in these jeans?
RESPONSE 1: ‘Of course it does; I didn’t nickname you “bacon
arse” for nothing!’
RESPONSE 2: ‘No, not really’
RESPONSE 3: ‘No way! It looks firm and pert. In fact it’s
taking all my willpower not to caress it’
Question: Doesn’t
that bracelet look gorgeous? (while
gazing into a jeweller’s shop window)
RESPONSE 1: ‘Give me strength! At that price we should be living in it, never mind wearing it’
RESPONSE 2: ‘Yes it’s nice’
RESPONSE 3: ‘It would look fantastic on you. If only we
could muster the funds to buy it’ (buy it
later that day and surprise her)
Question: Do you
think I’m losing weight? (while
standing in front of a full-length mirror)
RESPONSE 1: ‘No, I can’t say I’ve noticed’
RESPONSE 2: ‘I hope not; I like you with a bit of excess
poundage’
RESPONSE 3: ‘Without a doubt; you’re shape reminds me of our
wedding day’
Image courtesy of imagerymajestic at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Response #3 is ALWAYS the right one to avoid being put out in the dog house. But I can't stop laughing about "bacon arse" !!
ReplyDeleteHere in the UK, 'bacon arse' is a popular put-down for someone with a broad posterior. I'm glad it touched a funny nerve.
DeleteIt's a good thing your wife doesn't have a lie detector. Then you'd be properly f*cked, and not in the literal sense.
ReplyDeleteYep, the home needs to remain a lie-detector free zone so as to ensure male survival.
DeletePERFECTION))))
ReplyDeleteLaughing in Minnesota!
I shall send this to Mr. Liverpool. xx
I'm delighted that you found it amusing - keep grinning out there in Minnesota.
DeleteHi Bryan!! And to all the #3 responses, I would be saying "Suck Up..What Are You Looking For?" Women know when men are lying through their teeth!! Hahaha. Loved this post. Too funny.
ReplyDeleteDon't crush me, Barb - if women always know when we are lying there is no hope for the male of the species!
DeleteThanks for helping us guys navigate through dangerous waters. I've been married a long time and I've wrecked on a few rocks in my day.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome, Stephen. Men must pool their collective knowledge about this group of almost unfathomable human beings (otherwise known as women).
DeleteGold. I'm printing these out and hanging them on the wall by my computer.
ReplyDeleteUh...do you have a proper response for when my wife inevitably finds the printed note and asks "What the hell is this?"
Daniel, I think the response has got to be 'I know nothing' - a phrase with which our women-folk will probably concur.
DeleteIt's much like space exploration: we may send man (& women, dog, mice & monkey) up there to prod around but we barely scratch the surface of its many mysteries.
ReplyDeleteAnd it can be a bloody dangerous and expensive thing to do
I believe you have summed up perfectly the precarious business of responding to the utterances of the fairer sex!
DeleteI really hope your wife does not ready this blog! If so, you're busted mate!
ReplyDelete#3 always unless you like the be beaten down. Some men like that stuff.
I think she does read it occasionally, so I'd better prepare for a bit of masochistic foreplay!
Delete