Women are complicated. Sometimes they're unfathomable. Despite a
relationship spanning over 34 years, I cannot yet claim to understand the mind
of Mrs Jones. But I have learnt a few things along the way – how else would I
have survived? – and I’d like to share
them for the benefit of other men out there who might be even more perplexed
than I am about the female psyche.
With regards to her body shape and appearance, a lady will
never ask a question of her man unless she has already identified the response
she wants to hear. Consequently, such questions strike pulsating terror into
the bowels of any male. We know there is a ‘correct’ answer that, if delivered
promptly and with sincerity, could later be rewarded with an assortment of
sexual favours. But get it wrong and punishment awaits, ranging from icy
silences to physical assaults.
So gentleman, here is my guide to how to (and how not to) respond
to six common questions from our partners. If you’re masochistic enough to
offer response 1, brace yourself for punishment of a type that would have seemed gruesome in the dark ages. Offer a response 2 and expect to
spend at least the next 24 hours in social isolation during which she will emit only
one-syllable replies to your attempts to initiate conversation. But get it
right with a response 3 and you could be creasing the sheets while entwined in
the limbs of a passionate woman (that is, your partner).
Question: Which of
these two dresses should I wear at the restaurant tonight? (asked while trying them on)
RESPONSE 1: ‘Won’t your jeans and sweatshirt suffice?
RESPONSE 2: ‘They both look OK’
RESPONSE 3: ‘You look great in both; they each show off your
figure, but I think the red one just edges it’
Question: Do you
think my bingo wings are disappearing? (while
tugging the flabby bits on her upper arms)
RESPONSE 1: ‘No, but all women your age have bingo wings.
And now I come to think of it, even the pretty lass next door has them, and she’s
a lot younger than you’
RESPONSE 2: ‘They’re getting there’
RESPONSE 3: ‘I can’t say I’ve ever noticed them; your arms
always look slender and elegant to me’
Question: My boobs
are getting really floppy; don’t you find them a big turn off?
RESPONSE 1: ‘Yes. They’re like two blubber-filled hammocks
in a gale’
RESPONSE 2: ‘No, I like them floppy’
RESPONSE 3: ‘I love your boobs; what man wouldn’t? Soft and
natural and so much better than those plastic ones that some models flash
across the newspapers’
Question: Does my
butt look big in these jeans?
RESPONSE 1: ‘Of course it does; I didn’t nickname you “bacon
arse” for nothing!’
RESPONSE 2: ‘No, not really’
RESPONSE 3: ‘No way! It looks firm and pert. In fact it’s
taking all my willpower not to caress it’
Question: Doesn’t
that bracelet look gorgeous? (while
gazing into a jeweller’s shop window)
RESPONSE 1: ‘Give me strength! At that price we should be living in it, never mind wearing it’
RESPONSE 2: ‘Yes it’s nice’
RESPONSE 3: ‘It would look fantastic on you. If only we
could muster the funds to buy it’ (buy it
later that day and surprise her)
Question: Do you
think I’m losing weight? (while
standing in front of a full-length mirror)
RESPONSE 1: ‘No, I can’t say I’ve noticed’
RESPONSE 2: ‘I hope not; I like you with a bit of excess
poundage’
RESPONSE 3: ‘Without a doubt; you’re shape reminds me of our
wedding day’
Image courtesy of imagerymajestic at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
