Thursday 28 November 2013

Stop doing all the things you enjoy and you'll feel fine!



No more milk from you
I’d been meaning to do it for two years. And last week I braced my loins, clenched my gluteus maximus and immersed myself in the murky world of allergy testing.

A decade ago, for no apparent reason, I began to suffer with recurrent episodes of malaise, characterised by a runny nose, frog-spawn phlegm and eyes so red you’d think I’d binged on the blood of ten rosy-cheeked virgins. These reactions rarely lasted longer than 30 minutes and did not incapacitate me; they never stopped me completing the day’s schedule, but were an irritant.

I first assumed I had contracted some form of hay fever, but I could detect no seasonal pattern; I am just as likely to be sniffling and chewing gooey spittle in a snowy winter as in the sunny spring. They can also emerge at any time of day.

Recently, a work colleague suggested that I must be allergic to something and recommended that I get myself tested. He gave me the number of an ‘allergy practitioner’ who dispensed her wisdom from the health-food shop in my local town. Curiosity raised, I phoned and arranged a ‘consultation.’

Upon entering the shop it felt like I had stepped into Severus Snape’s apothecary, an elongated, narrow room with shelving to the roof, each crammed with lotions, potions and jars of desiccated seeds. I expected to be confronted by Harry Potter making a hasty retreat with the Veritaserum truth drug secreted under his robes. Instead, I was welcomed by a vivacious lady in her early 40s, with a permanent smile and a level of animation suggestive of amphetamine intoxication.

I had expected to be interviewed in the privacy of a room above the shop, but the allergy practitioner pulled a small, wheeled table into the centre of the floor, adjacent to the shelving, and beckoned me to sit down opposite her, as if we were about to arm-wrestle. My consultation proceeded in the company of the elderly shopkeeper and a gaggle of customers purchasing their weekly fix of multi-vitamins and soya milk.   

‘How are your bowels?’ she asked.
‘OK for the most part; although at times a bit volatile,’ I replied, my voice fading to a whisper as a female customer leaned across me to pick up a jar of Omega 3 + 6.
‘So you fart a lot’ she said. ‘Of course you do – you’re a bloke.’
I considered sharing the empirical evidence that women fart as much as men, but censored myself as two young women entered the shop.

This highly qualified professional asked me to hold a chunky metal electrode in one hand while she pressed a probe onto the middle finger of my other hand. She then proceeded to place, one-by-one, a sequence of vials into my palm, her machine emitting a squeal (like a mouse being castrated) the pitch of which apparently indicated my level of intolerance to the substance therein.

The verdict? What stuff do I allegedly have intolerance to? She could have saved a lot of time, and avoided the electrode jiggery-pokery, by simply asking me to list the things that make life worthwhile: beer, white wine, red wine, bread, cheese, ale, lager, cow’s milk, onions and coffee.

For the love of all that’s holy, if I’d stayed 10 minutes longer I’m sure she would have diagnosed an intolerance of Mrs Jones’ boobies!

29 comments:

  1. She sounds like one of the old miracle medicine practitioners of old, and probably just as effective. Alas, I've found myself to be allergic to white enriched flour. 30 minutes after devouring a food item that contains this, I find myself passing out for about four hours. Strange, but true. And, it's amazing how many items have this as an active ingredient. I wish you much luck in finding out what ails you. Btw, we used to use a shock machine similar to the one you describe in Psychology Class to see why a person would subject themselves to pain for no viable reason. Just a thought! :)

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  2. Sounds like your allergy is more severe than mine, Rich.

    If I could have turned it into a shock machine I would have liked to have inflicted a few amps on her!

    Thanks for your interest.

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  3. Obviously, she stuck the probe on the wrong part of your body. Had she been a true professional, she would have stuffed it where you were having most of your issues. ;)

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    1. I've had enough medical instruments pushed where the sun don't shine over recent months - your comment has just re-traumatized me! Thanks Terrye

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  4. Obviously, she stuck the probe on the wrong part of your body. Had she been a true professional, she would have stuffed it where you were having most of your issues. ;)

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    1. I appreciate your interest and support.

      Best wishes

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  6. Ugh--fuggedaboutit! What's the point of living if you can't have the things you love most in life? Take your allergy meds and keep enjoying the beer/wine/cheese/coffee/bread/milk/onions…and of course, the boobies!

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    1. Yes, you're so right. Apart from trying goat's milk on my corn-flakes I've not changed my diet. Incidentally, allergy meds don't agree with me - see my older post, 'Beware the willy shriveller' for further information!

      Thanks for your interest.

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  7. Sounds like you might need to do something completely unconventional and modern and possibly get yourself to a GP for allergy testing. Did you know the NHS is free? ;)

    Very descriptive though - I enjoyed it, and I enjoy knowing that you (and your phlegm) are not close enough to pass anything on!

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    1. I try and keep away from medics as much as I can. Typical bloke, in this regard - only go as a last resort.

      Good to hear from you, Lizzie. By the way, I (and my phlegm) will be travelling down the M1 this afternoon, so beware - I'm coming for you!

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    2. And yet you're prepared to go and see a hippy-dippy-ding-dong holistic healer? You are a strange creature, but perhaps just an example of your sex ;)

      Oho! Where are you headed? I shall beware! :)

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    3. Don't worry Lizzie - only Leicester (that will be 'up north' for you?)

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  8. I don't need a specialist of any kind to tell me what I'm allergic to because i already know---work! Have a great weekend.

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  9. I've dealt with my work allergy by opting for early retirement.

    Your ongoing interest is appreciated. Take care.

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  10. The minute she said, "...you're a bloke." I would have let a HUGE one rip. Then I would have said, "Why, yes. Yes I am."

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    1. Yes, that would have been fantastic - why didn't I think of that! On second thoughts, considering the volatility of my bowel, I might have soiled myself in the effort.

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  11. Aw man, I feel for you! Those doctors will never let you have what you like. What's their problem?! "It's bad for your health" this, and "stop, that will kill you" that.

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    1. Yes Daniel, you're right - we should live for the moment. Quality of life is more important than quantity.

      Best wishes

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  12. LOLOL! Hilarious! To be put in the center of the room and asked those questions - absolutely comical. I could totally picture this scene in mind. Loved it!

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    1. As always, thanks for your generous comments and support.

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  13. Allergic to boobies? No way. Boobies are good for men's health, and I'll publish a post on the topic this week.

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    1. Absolutely, Joe. I look forward to reading your treatise on the health-promoting qualities of mammary tissue!

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  14. What's your diet like now? I hope you get to eat and drink some of the stuff you like, otherwise it's no fun. Good post and love the doctor's setting:)

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  15. Thanks for dropping by and leaving your comment.Predictably, my diet is now back to normal.

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  16. Actually, I'm impressed by the technology! They made my son do a scratch test, which sucks and is basically them injecting suspected allergins into the skin!

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    1. I suspect that the procedure used with your son, although unpleasant, had some scientific/medical validity. In my case the 'expert' drew conclusions on the basis of electrical conductivity in my hands - I remain unconvinced.

      Thanks for your interest and comment.

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