This treasured male organ is arguably the most complicated, and least understood, piece of a chap’s body. Nevertheless, the knowledge of the factors controlling its rise and fall - whether it will puff out its chest and stand proud or burrow into the folds of the bollocks – can bestow ladies with a level of power that could dwarf the wizardry of Hermione in the Harry Potter films.
So here it is, the woman’s guide to how to control your man’s erection. Used wisely, your partner’s todger will inflate or deflate as you so wish, like a balloon permanently attached to your pump.
Sitting next to your dearest on the settee in the evening, clad only in a silky negligee, can often achieve good results. Importantly, he must know that you are not wearing any underwear; even though he’s seen your lady bits a thousand times, the knowledge of what is hiding a few inch above a flowery hemline can send the male of the species into a frenzy.
As for other men, an awareness that you can still attract testosterone-fuelled attention can be a turn on – maybe it’s something to do with a primitive instinct to compete for access to the on-heat female. The sight of the plumber glancing at Mrs Jones’ luscious arse, or a breast wobble, certainly can get my heater running, and I’m sure this doesn’t just apply to me. Does it? Really?
2. Pre-sex comments
When sexual activity is imminent, and the man lets the beast out of the cage – or in my case, when I seductively slip out of my off-white, gusset-worn briefs – the woman’s immediate reaction can determine whether it’s going to be a lusty marathon of uninhibited passion or a floppy 60-metre dash.
Facial expressions conveying awe are always welcome, particularly when accompanied by comments implying that the item swinging between the man’s legs is big enough to do some harm if driven by an irresponsible owner; ‘wow, what’s got into that big boy’ or ‘be gentle with me’ never fail to encourage further engorgement of the male organ.
In contrast, statements often used in response to a baby or a puppy – ‘ah look at him, how cute’ or ‘isn’t he adorable’ – will ensure the meat shrivels as quickly as a salted slug.
4. Grasp his weapon with both hands
Irrespective of what the agony-aunts say, size matters. At least it does in the male mind, where a belief that heavy weaponry will be involved is essential to sustain an erection.
So, ladies, when you grab his willy don’t use a finger and thumb; that gives the impression of micro work, like threading cotton through a needle. Instead grab his todger with both hands, one above the other, as if about to climb a rope. Granted, in my case this may require David-Blaine-like illusionary skills and a degree of finger dexterity worthy of a professional hand-puppeteer, but the deception will always be rewarded with enhanced sexual performance.
And some mid-sex comments must be avoided. Speaking from personal experience, guaranteed willy-softeners include: ‘Are you in yet?’; ‘Can you keep your mouth shut, you’re spitting all over me’; and ‘Will you cut your toe-nails – they’re like fucking talons!’.
A definite no-no, however, is inflicting pain on the meat and two veg. Ballocks are meant to be caressed and cradled, not grabbed and twisted. And fingernails piercing the todger is a sure-fire way of transforming a throbbing phallus into a wet straw.
So, ladies, there you have it; the knowledge and power to forever control the male member. What better skill could you wish for? Your welcome.
Photos courtesy of: interphasesolution at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
arztsamui at FreeDigitalPhotos.net