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When my alarm clock screeched at 6.30 am the first sensation I noticed was the stinging of my piles (or hemorrhoids as they are more technically known). My second realization was the awareness of my appointment today at the Colorectal Department of the local hospital to have my bulbous buddies investigated.
Hemorrhoids have stung the backsides of many generations of Jones. Like a clutch of cherries growing towards the light, they sting or leak, always one or the other, never both together. My arse alternates between sore and menstruating.
I spent 30 minutes in the shower this morning, 25 of which was devoted to spring-cleaning the area in question; if guests were going to spend time in the back-room it needed to be spic-and-span, as one must create the right impression, mustn’t one?
Upon arriving at the hospital’s General Outpatients’ Department, and showing the receptionist my official appointment letter, I was directed to waiting area 3 (not 1 or 2) and I wondered whether this symbolic niche, deep in the hospital labyrinth, was reserved for colorectal cases. While sitting in the waiting room I observed my fellow patients and tried to spot those with a similar affliction. A lady opposite had a continuous half-grimace and seemed a good bet, particularly as she shuffled from buttock to buttock in her seat. I was distracted from my game of “spot the hemorrhoid” by squawks of female laughter emanating from a nearby nurses’ station; I wondered if they were ridiculing the sight of the last patient’s butt.
Forty minutes after my appointment time my name was called and I was escorted to the clinic room by a nurse and asked to sit on the bed to await the doctor. Mr Evans, the consultant surgeon, entered accompanied by a young female medical student. Following a brief interrogation about my bowel habits and pain history, I was lying on the bed with my trousers and boxer-shorts around my ankles. As I laid there staring at the wall, the consultant probed and prodded my gaping arse - why do they always have chunky fingers? While doing so he conducted a tutorial with his student.
“Come and look at this; a big hemorrhoid on the outside and two more inside.”
I heard the female student approach for a closer look into my back passage. “Oh yes, I can see them” she said. I thought I could feel their breath on my buttocks. And I’m sure I heard an echo.
“So what’s the appropriate treatment?” he asked.
“I guess he could try applying a steroid cream …”
“You could if you wanted to caress the hemorrhoid and watch it grow,” he said. They both giggled; he was flirting with her with his finger up my arse.
“We could band them?” she said.
“If we tried to band this one on the outside” – wiggling it like a nipple to demonstrate – “he’d empty the ward with his screaming. No, this one we will have to lop off.”
So surgery it is, a day-case under general anaesthetic. I will be sent for within the next four to six weeks.
I dressed and left the clinic room. Walking back through the other patients in waiting area 3, I suspected that my gait might have resembled that of a bloke who had soiled himself. I was conscious of their eyes on me. Were they wondering what indignity I had undergone? I resisted the temptation to scream, “You’re buggered if you go in there!” and instead hurried for the exit.
Believe me when I say I can sympathize. I had rectal surgery a few years ago because of a fissure and abscess. No fun at all.ReplyDelete
Thanks for the support, Stephen. Your back-door surgery sounds rather more significant than my single hemorrhoid.Delete
With all the words coursing through my brain right now, I will just say: Hope all works out for the best for you!ReplyDelete
I appreciate your kind words.Delete
Also, I hope your brain calms soon!
I had surgery to remove "my not-so-little" buddies back in 1988. I was told that sliding down a bannister covered in razor blades into a pool of alcohol wouldn't be as painful. And, wouldn't you know, they were ri...oh, wait. You probably don't want to hear that.ReplyDelete
Don't worry, it'll be a snap!
Al, I feel so much better now; thanks for being such a reassuring influence!Delete
You probably won't want to hear that poops the size of Cocoa Puffs will feel like bowling balls for a week or so, either, huh?ReplyDelete
I refer you to my earlier answer.Delete
I am so sorry for your medical issues but that was so funny! Coincidentally a friend of mine was in so much pain recently from his back door affliction that he visited a walk in clinic for relief. The doctor lanced it right then and there! Ouch! Good luck with your surgery!ReplyDelete
As always, I appreciate your interest Pam.ReplyDelete
Not sure I'd be keen on the drop-in, pile-removal shop!
I found myself clenching as I read this - it hits close to home.ReplyDelete
That word "clenching" has triggered a flashback!ReplyDelete
"Head an echo!" classic.ReplyDelete
Dude, you have a gift for making one hell of a story out of a mundane hospital visit. Well, "mundane" is maybe belittling your problem...which I am truly sorry for. Good luck with the surgery!
Daniel, thanks for your support and generous comments.ReplyDelete
Sir, will we be hearing the news here?Delete
Most probably - assuming I retain, post-trauma, sufficient faculties to string words together.Delete
There are all-natural herbal products that are designed to help boost the body’s levels of testosterone. Products of this nature will aid in helping restore the natural hormonal levels of the human body.ReplyDelete
This, in turn, can have a number of positive effects on the male metabolism. Among those benefits would be increased energy levels, fat burning and lean muscle mass development as testosterone levels increase. see ageexperts.net here
Alma, one glimpse of my physique would demonstrate that I am already pulsating with oceans of testosterone.Delete
I've no intention of growing old gracefully!
This is so funny! I'm crying again laughing. Hilarious!ReplyDelete
Glad you enjoyed it, Kate.ReplyDelete
Bryan, I've been searching your site for a way to contact you via email in regards to a humor-writing group. Can you contact me at canigetanotherbottleofwhine(at)yahoo.com. Thanks! KateReplyDelete
Will do Kate.ReplyDelete
I'm sorry to pester you Bryan. Did you email me yet? I haven't received anything. It's kind of a timely situation. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I can give you more details when you email me. Thanks! KateDelete
I thought I had e-mailed you, Kate, but clearly it has not reached you.Delete
I will try again. The e-mail will be from Gary Sidley (my other (real) persona!)