My wife is not a vindictive woman. Well, not usually. But a recent purchase of a toilet-seat allowed Mrs Jones to take retribution for 30 years of frustration.
Throughout our time together she has asked me to put the toilet seat down after I've had a pee. Although I suspect that millions of women across the planet urge their men to perform this simple act, I’ve never been able to understand why. After all, I’m thoughtful enough to always lift the seat before peeing so as to avoid splashes that would condemn Mrs Jones to a wet butt when she uses the loo. So why am I expected to put it down again when I’ve finished? Is it something to do with aesthetics, the bathroom being more pleasing on the eye for future visitors? Or is it because they feel contaminated if they have to touch the toilet seat prior to squatting? The underlying motivation behind her insistence on this piece of lavatory etiquette remains a mystery to me, like multiple other aspects of the female psyche.
After my three decades of non-compliance Mrs Jones has hit back. Last month she bought a new, black-and-white cowhide patterned toilet-seat for our downstairs loo. As I am to D.I.Y. what North Korea is to nuclear disarmament, my wife does all the practical jobs around the house. So, true to form, Mrs Jones fitted the toilet-seat. But an additional tweak of the screwdriver or a calculating twist of the pliers rendered the seat incapable of remaining upright; lift the seat into the vertical position and it totters, like a neurotic on the edge of a high-diving board, before crashing down with a dull thud.
A toilet seat that refuses to stay up presents a conundrum to the peeing male. What approach can be used to channel the stream of urine into the bowl? When faced with this frustration my initial intention was to just piss all over the seat to punish Mrs Jones for her sloppy joinery. But then my self-preservation instinct kicked-in and I quashed that idea.
So what options remained in my attempt to pee through the contracted hole of a seat-down toilet? Well, I could have sat down to urinate like a girlie, the equivalent of Mrs Jones having castrated me, but that would have been conceding defeat. So I tried holding the seat up with my right hand while directing the hose-pipe with my left only to discover that the complex maneuvres of finding, releasing and aiming were too much to execute single-handed, particular when wearing tight underpants devoid of a fly-hole and requiring one to hold down the elasticated waist-band – males will understand the considerable dexterity required to achieve this mission without pissing down your trouser leg.
Creativity was required to overcome this challenge. Next I straddled the toilet bowl, one foot at either side, bent my knees and pushed my willy downwards into a perpendicular position as if operating a pneumatic drill on roadside concrete. Although not the most edifying sight for casual onlookers, this macho straddle-pose seemed to have solved the problem; that is until my knee-ligaments began to give way.
But then success! Seven days of practice at leaning forward without putting my hands on the toilet-cistern, thereby freeing them up for todger-management, enabled me to consistently hit the target while maintaining my masculinity. Picture the Winter Olympics 2010 in Vancouver, and the poise of the ski-jumper in mid-flight, tilting at an angle of 45 degrees, and you will replicate the image of me doing what comes naturally in our downstairs toilet in Lancashire, England.
I am participating in the Dude Write Starting Lineup this week where you can find some excellent posts by bloggers who happen to be dudes: http://dudewrite.blogspot.com)
You have truly prevailed here. Not only is your masculinity still very much intact, but your acrobatic abilities are reaching new heights! Well done!ReplyDelete
I appreciate your support, brother. And yes I think I've become more supple during the process.ReplyDelete
That position sounds oddly familiar to the position I sometimes have to assume when I need to pee after being out and having one or two too many drinks with friends. Although, I don't really get to practice it too often.ReplyDelete
Yes, I know where you're coming from. Some years ago after a works' night out I must have over-tilted as I tumbled into the adjacent bath and required Mrs Jones' assistance to get out!Delete
I could totally visualize you doing this. And I kinda hate you for it :)ReplyDelete
Funny post, dude. I think that the way to fight back is to yell "MOOOOOOOOOOO" every time you pee until she gets too frustrated and gets a new one that stays up :)
Apologies for triggering intrusive images!Delete
Not a bad idea Youngman. A modified version would be for me to break into song each time I pee - with my voice (one that shatters unbreakable glass)it should do the trick.
Oh Mr. Jones do your talents ever end?! Hilarious post! In an attempt to come up with a witty comment I Googled "cow and peeing". I strongly suggest you don't do the same. Let's just say.....it wasn't pretty!ReplyDelete
I think I get the "cow and peeing" image Pam - I suspect it has some resemblance to my straddle position. I'm trying desperately to erase the picture from my mind!Delete
Thanks for dropping by.
shoulda listened in the first place!ReplyDelete
Yep, you're probably right. But I blame my genes.Delete
Did it ever occur to you that she did that intentionally? Hmmm.ReplyDelete
Great post. Now I have to go wash my mind out with soap.
I'm sure you scrub-up well, bettyl!Delete
I appreciate you dropping by.
TMI, TMI! But thanks for the good laugh!ReplyDelete
I'm visiting from Bettyl's Best Posts of the Week.
Thanks for dropping in Anita. Please accept my apologies for the lurid details!ReplyDelete
Actually, the lurid details are what made it so funny... so no problem. :)Delete
Mrs Jones is a genius as well as having excellent taste. I want a cow print toilet seat!ReplyDelete
Yes, the loo-seat is distinctive.Delete