Sunday 30 December 2012

The Christmas night out











Two weeks ago I attended the “work’s do” as I have done each Christmas for the last 33 years. I’m not going again.

A Christmas celebration alongside work colleagues can be fun. Freed from the constraints of the office, a colleague often displays an alternative persona from the one on show 9-to-5, Monday-to-Friday. My most prominent memories of this annual bash include a senior manager and his secretary performing one of the more risqué scenes from “Last Tango in Paris” in the centre of the dance-floor, and a staid professional punching a stranger he accused of drinking his beer.      

This year, the evening started badly before I left home. Having prised my 15-stone physique into my best pair of silvery-grey trousers, I realized I had to pee before setting off for my bus. As any man over the age of 50 knows, the combination of a dodgy sphincter and pants too tight around the crotch should come with an official flood warning. My post-urination shake proved insufficient; upon returning Percy to his cage he dribbled a puddle into my boxers. As the sensation of wetness spread around my nether regions, it was a relief to note that my sturdy underpants had prevented any two-tone staining of my trousers.

I needn’t have worried. On my 10-minute walk to the bus-stop I had to negotiate   sleet lashing into my face and torso, along with six inches of slush around my feet. By the time my bus arrived (20 minutes late) my trousers retained a single band of silvery-grey around my knees, above and below radiating a darker, drenched shade.

I live in a rural area, or “up in the hills” as my city-dwelling work-mates call it. When I arrived in Manchester city centre, there was no slush, no sleet, no wind, only a fine drizzle. And thousands of people, a combination of late shoppers and Christmas revelers  most of who seemed to be thrusting umbrellas in my direction. Already late, I sped to my destination, dodging eye-removing brolly-spikes and mumbling obscenities about the recklessness of human-kind.

As I entered the Italian restaurant I suspected my lower half was emitting a noxious vapor, like a polecat that had let himself go. Nevertheless, I joined 15 of my work colleagues at a circular table, all in pristine attire, dry and (perhaps with one exception) younger than me. I ordered a pint of Peroni at a price that, should I consume my usual quantity, would require me to re-mortgage the house.      

I wear contact-lenses because I’m short-sighted and vain. Although improving my vision, in poor light they render me incapable of reading small print. Squinting, I held the menu so far away from me the lady seated opposite had to peep around it to hold a conversation.

After the meal, the tables were pushed back and the disco began to spew tunes, most of which were unfamiliar to me. People danced and drank. I sat and drank. Despite the high prevalence of alcohol intoxication, not one lady (nor man) made a sexual advance towards me. Around 11.30 pm. the one colleague of a similar age to me collapsed on the dance-floor and sustained a nasty head-wound. As I observed the paramedics attending to the poor lady as she laid face-down, skirt hitched-up to mid-thigh, undignified and defeated, she symbolized why the over-50s should stay away from the Christmas “do.” I’m not going again.      

          


I am participating in the Dude Write Starting Lineup this week where you can find some excellent posts by bloggers who happen to be dudes: http://dudewrite.blogspot.com)

        





20 comments:

  1. I'm with you. I think I'd avoid parties like that, especially with coworkers. Happy New Year.

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    1. Thanks for the support Stephen.

      Have a prosperous 2013.

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  2. Nothing about aging bothers me more than the daily degradation of my reading eyes. (Well except maybe discovering the odd chin whisker!) I am completely useless now without reading glasses. And in all honesty I hate it!! Had I been at the Christmas do caught without my reading glasses I'd have had to get a colleague to hold the menu at the other side of the room for any chance of clearing the blur!

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    1. We should start a support group for the vain and visually challenged! (The VVC does have a certain ring about it).

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  3. that stuff isn't really fun anymore anyway...so we're not missing anything by missing the party.
    happy New year!

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  4. I suspect you're right, Annmarie.

    Wishing you a happy and prosperous 2013.

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  5. Well, I'm going to have to disagree. I have not reached my fifties, but they are clearly in sight (when wearing my glasses or contacts) so I can't say whether I will feel differently at that time. Our "do" was employees only so many people relax in the attitude of being able to drunkenly flirt with someone with very little danger of it reaching the spouses ears.

    That said, when an 18 year old girl lays down the gauntlet that the old guys aren't dancing...well. At one point, someone said "you should wear your tie on your head" and I did.

    Good time had by me, but some of my coworkers are already looking forward to a reprise.

    WG

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  6. I've had some wild nights on the works "do" over the years, WG. But there comes a point when that bastard called Age reveals itself. It might not have happened to you yet - but it will!

    Thanks for dropping by.

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  7. Hanging out with coworkers outside of work? Screw that.

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    1. Stephen, I share your view with regards to some of my work colleagues. But others have been great fun over the years. I work in a health-care setting so many of my colleagues are female nursing staff, many of who know how to party.

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  8. I also got to the point where I hated going to the Company Christmas Party, I can totally relate to sitting there having a drink, watching the younger group dance and never having a conversation with any of them, I have more fun at home.

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    1. A man of like-mind, Jimmy.

      I used to enjoy them until I reached my mid-40s. Now I'm happy at home with my cup of cocoa, pipe and warmed slippers!

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  9. Christmas parties are a thing of the past for me. not that I was ever comfortable in this type of setting. Take care and Happy New year.

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  10. I used to be comfortable, Stephen, but not anymore.

    Best wishes.

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  11. I never really got got to do a work related Christmas Party. It seems though, I'm generally more comfortable in smaller groups. That being said, the wife and I were sick over the holidays and didn't get to hang out with anyone. I missed that.

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  12. Like you, Ken, I've never been a party animal.(Although I have had some memorable moments in my younger days!)

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  13. I hate most parties or events that include dancing. I can't imagine having to attend one with coworkers. Talk about awkward.

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    Replies
    1. Some co-workers are associated with more awkwardness than others.

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  14. I'm generally not a fan of the company Christmas party scene, however my current employer does it right. It's usually at an upscale restaurant (of our choice), 2 free alcoholic drinks, can bring significant other (and sometimes entire family), and they give away nice gifts (cameras, tablets, TVs, money, etc), and free cab ride home if you need it.

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  15. I think I work for the wrong company, Michael. Perhaps I could gate-crash your party in Christmas 2014?

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