Thursday, 6 April 2017

The elusive cucumber



‘On your way home, will you stop off at the supermarket for some salad stuff?’ asked Mrs Jones.



My car was in for its annual service so I took the call on my mobile while sitting in the garage waiting area. ‘Yes, sure. What items do we need?’



‘Oh, the usual: lettuce, cucumber, tomatoes and red onions.’



Two hours later I returned home and deposited the contents of my supermarket bag onto the kitchen worktop. Mrs Jones exhaled – audibly – and I detected a roll of the eyes followed by an implosion of her cheeks which, after 36 years together, I knew could mean only one thing: I’d cocked up, big time.



Failure to live up to a wife’s expectation typically means that a man is subjected to a circuitous form of interrogation that is intended to shame and humiliate.



‘Where’s the cucumber?’ she asked, while her foot tapped on the tiled floor, as if delivering a countdown to the moment of my execution.



‘There,’ I said, pointing to the large, cylindrical item in front of us.



‘What makes you think that’s a cucumber?’



‘Well, it looks like a cucumber; it’s dark green, shiny and … … phallic.’



‘It’s much bigger than any phallus I recognise,’ she said, now relishing the role of the strident prosecutor. ‘That is not a cucumber.’



‘What is it then?’



‘It’s a courgette.’



‘A what?’



‘A courgette. A marrow-like vegetable, sometimes referred to as a zucchini.’



‘It looks like a cucumber, so how was I supposed to know?’



‘Maybe the sign over the box in the supermarket that read, COURGETTES, might have given you a clue.’



Mrs Jones, savouring the taste of blood, broadened her onslaught. The tomatoes were insufficiently ripe, the onions partly rotten, and the lettuce much too big and shabby. (I must admit the lettuce resembled the severed, semi-decomposed head of an obese gladiator. Although it could have been worse; I almost brought home a cabbage).    



And to add to my pain, I now recall that I don’t like the taste of courgettes. Something tells me they will be served up with every meal for a week.













   








14 comments:

  1. S U P E R B.
    You and Mrs. Jones make me SMILE :) xx from Duluth.

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    1. Thanks for reading, Kim, and for all of your support. Take care of yourself.

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  2. Hello Bryan, I feel your pain and can completely relate to it, I recognized the eye roll routine because my wife has it perfected.

    She will send me to bring several things in from the freezer and it seems I always forget something, she will roll her eyes and say "that was the first thing I asked for" maybe if it was that important she would have added it to the bottom of the list so I could remember it.

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    1. Cheers, Jummy - it is good to know that there are fellow sufferers out there. I think there must be a school for young ladies that teaches that eye-roll manoeuvre!

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  3. My wife knows better than to criticize what I bring home from the grocery store. I hate shopping and would prefer not doing it.

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    1. Maybe that's the tactic I need to adopt - displaying irritability each time I go so that she stops asking me.

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  4. I'm laughing at the same time I have great empathy (and sympathy) for you. In our world here, Leland would have said, "If you don't like it, do your own shopping next time." There is a reason I don't ask him to pick up much anymore (smile). Try grilling the zucchini - totally changes the flavor. Slice length-wise, dab with olive oil and grill until a bit soft. (Sorry if this is a duplicate)

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  5. I have to admit, my post was an edited version of our conversation; when she kept going on about it, I did suggest she got off her arse and do it herself (so maybe a bit of alpha male in me? No?

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  6. So love this!
    I recognise myself, I have to say, although Mr Bougie really does put an effort into it when asked to hop over to the shops.
    Thanks for posting and enjoy your weekend.
    Hugs from Paris.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by, Miss B. It seems you have some similarity to Mrs Jones.

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  7. Your description of the lettuce is hilarious! As always, an entertaining post. Hope you enjoy cucumbers at every meal.....

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    1. Thanks Marcia - your interest and support is appreciated

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  8. ROFL! Thank you for providing this much-needed laugh - the highlight of my week! Courgettes all week? I feel your pain. Hang in there!

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    1. Glad it brought a smile to your face, BB. Best wishes.

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