Thursday, 27 August 2015

Beware the Egyptian god of the bowel


Courtesy of Arvind Balaraman at
FreeDigitalPhotos.net
After a wonderful two-weeks holiday in Egypt, I returned home to the UK with a tan and the shits. And I don’t mean any run-of-the-mill shits; this was an erupting-mount-Vesuvius-with-an-explosive-personality-disorder type.

For 8 days I spent my time within a 3-metre safety zone of the nearest lavatory, fearing to tread beyond this imaginary line in case the angry Egyptian god of the large intestine decided to make yet another unwelcome appearance. During this extended period of captivity, I often pondered the source of the bug that had decided to squat in the depths of my gut: I had followed advice, and drank none of the tap water; I’m obsessive about washing my hands thoroughly prior to each meal and after using the loo; and we tourists were repeatedly reassured that bottled water was routinely deployed to wash all the salads and other food stuffs.

Alas, the likely cause of my spectacular rear-end emissions occurred to me: contaminated beer glasses. The 7-day cruise along the Nile River had witnessed several of my fellow tourists succumb to ‘tummy upsets’ and it occurred to me that all those stricken were lager drinkers. On several occasions, late in the evenings, the boat staff had ran out of clean glasses and were forced to rinse the used ones; I’m certain they resorted to tap water on these occasions thereby exposing my inner tubing to over 2000-years’ worth of detritus that had been slopped into the ancient river.

Motivated by her constant fear of being shat on in bed at night, Mrs Jones persuaded me to seek medical assistance and so I ventured out the house to consult my local doctor.

‘I’ll require a stool sample’ he said, while handing me a flimsy plastic pot with a red spoon in it, rather like the ones used for eating ice cream from a tub.

‘Here and now?’ I asked, while disturbing images of me squatting in the corner of his office pushed into my mind.

‘No no’, he said with a tolerant smile, ‘take the pot home with you. When you next feel the urge to open your bowels, place several layers of toilet tissue in the bowl and, once you’ve emptied, scoop out a piece and return it to the reception desk for analysis.’

As I sped home, I suspected the doc had failed to grasp the extent of my looseness. ‘Scoop out a piece?’ Think water-bomb with flecks of sand and you will be getting closer to the essence of my lavatory experience.

Within minutes of arriving home, the irresistible rumble returned. Upon reaching the bathroom, I decided upon my own strategy to capture a sample of dung. I stripped naked, wrapped toilet tissue around my hand and forearm and squatted above the toilet bowl. At the point of detonation, I swung the plastic pot to-and-fro under my arse; it was a bit like wafting a thimble over the nozzle of an over-pressurised hose-pipe.
Courtesy of Tuomas_Lehtinen at
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Having successfully captured a splash of excrement, the next morning I returned to the doctor’s surgery, my specimen bottle hidden deep in my jacket pocket – it may have been my imagination, but passers-by seemed to stare at me, as if they had insider information about my secret cargo; or perhaps I just stank of shit.

At the reception window, the practice nurse casually collected my specimen while munching on a cheese and tomato sandwich – such professionalism! Within 48 hours, the bug had been identified and a 7-day course of antibiotics successfully rid me of the bacterial intruder.  

So if you are contemplating a visit to Egypt, the threat of terrorism is the least of your worries. It is the intestine-grasping revenge of the Nile River that you should fear. Don’t say you’ve not been warned. 

20 comments:

  1. OMG I can't stop laughing (sorry). Only you could make an entire blog post from poop and have it be so entertaining. This was HILARIOUS---so many little poop gems in this post. Glad you're feeling better, though!

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    1. Basic body functions tend to be an easy source of humour.

      As always, your positive feedback is much appreciated and very motivating.

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  2. Wow, I'm guessing you won't be asked to run a tourism ad campaign for the country of Egypt.
    Despite the horrendous week at home getting over the little gift your intestines picked up over there, I hope you had a great trip,

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    1. Karen - thanks for dropping by and taking the time to comment.
      Egypt is indeed a fascinating place, once you get used to the unprecedented level of hassle you get with street vendors. Sadly, terrorism has recently decimated its tourist industry.

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  3. Replies
    1. I've never had the runs like that before. I'm restored to good health now, thank goodness.

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  4. Egypt!
    I've always wanted to say " I'll be in Egypt, darling!"
    Such glamor! Such history! Such exquisiteness.
    Or...I thought!
    Brian, you always manage to make me giggle.
    Next time bring your own glass, sweets! :)
    Love from MN. x

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    1. It is an amazing country with a distinctive culture and way of life (and, sadly, much poverty). Sadly, a series of terrorist attacks has recently decimated its tourist industry so the future is not bright for Egypt. I'd consider returning - despite the risk of the runs!

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  5. I worried constantly about the water in India. As it turned out, Me and the Missus were the only ones on our tour who didn't get sick. I'd love to see Egypt, but you've made me think twice.

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    1. My brother contracted a rampant stomach bug on his recent visit to Mumbai - similar in severity to my experience.
      Egypt is a fascinating country with, of course, lots of history which I know would interest you and your lady. Sadly, a spate of terrorist attacks has impacted hugely on Egypt's tourist industry and the future looks bleak.

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  6. BWAHAHAHA! OMG! That was hysterical. I read this out loud to my gal and we both laughed so much we started hyperventilatiog. I hate getting such joy from your gastronomic adventures but I could not help it. Hope your bowels are back to normal.

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it, Phil. And yes, my inners are back to normal now, thank goodness.

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  7. I don't believe it was the beer glasses. I suspect something crawled into your anus when you were pre-occupied with other matters. What did you sit on in Egypt?

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    1. Even micro-organisms wouldn't be so silly as to crawl up my arse!

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  8. Wow! What a souvenir to bring home with you! Glad you recovered!

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    1. Yes, a spectacular souvenir that I should have left in Egypt.

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  9. I always enjoy your delightful analogies and metaphors for bodily processes and other seemingly mundane events. Well done.

    Happy to hear your ass intruder is banished!

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    1. Thank you, Daniel. I hope you're well and thriving.

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  10. HAHAHAHA
    How I missed reading your posts!
    I just can't stop laughing...but I'm glad you're well now.
    Take care :)

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    1. So pleased you enjoyed it. Best wishes.

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