I recently stumbled upon an article in Medical News Today titled ‘What is the average penis size?’ My curiosity pricked – it’s my scientific mind, you know – I read on. Apparently, the average length of the male member is about 3.4 inches (8.5 cms) when flaccid, and 5.5 inches (14 cms) when fully erect.
Seconds later, I’m rummaging in Mrs Jones’ sowing tin for the tape measure, hands trembling with anticipation. After a fruitless search among the needles and threads, I shifted the pursuit to my toolbox – the puns just keep on coming; whoops, there’s another one – until I located the spring-loaded tape, and retired to the bathroom to determine how I measured up.
I’m sure most men will be familiar with the process of penis measurement, but I doubt whether many have carried out the procedure deploying a steel-bladed, automatic-locking device with push-button retraction; you’ll be familiar with the contraption, the one that closes like a mouse trap when you press the ‘recoil’ knob. Suffice it to say that, at the age of 56, I almost earned entry into the Guinness Book of Records for the oldest man to perform a do-it-yourself circumcision.
Smug with the realisation that I was comfortably within the average range (albeit after a fair bit of burrowing into the testicular region), I returned, reassured, to read the remainder of the article. One study had reported that women’s satisfaction with the sexual act depended more on penis girth than length. My eyes scoured the text for the relevant data: the average circumference of the trouser-snake is 3.7 inches (9.5 cms) at slumber and 4.7 inches (12 cms) when reporting for duty; cue round two of jousting with the steel tape measure.
After the discovery that my member was again firmly within the average range, not even the loss of 50 units of O-negative could erase my self-satisfied grin.
Apparently, there are cultural differences in average penis size. It seems that Indian men were dealt an inferior stack when the todger cards were distributed, their average length falling a crucial half-inch short of their American counterparts. So it’s New Delhi rather than New York as a destination for me this summer; brace yourselves Keshika, Sita and Shefali, big Bryan – or comfortably-in-the-average-range Bryan - is on his way.
I died laughing over this line, "I almost earned entry into the Guinness Book of Records for the oldest man to perform a do-it-yourself circumcision." OMG! And by the way, it really is about the girth…..ReplyDelete
Delighted you enjoyed it, Marcia. (And thanks for the reassurance about girth!)Delete
Annnnd, I choked on my tea reading this. Hilarious! So many different descriptive words for the "trouser snake" - and the fighting with the tape measure had me in tears.ReplyDelete
So funny and candid, loved it!
Appreciate the feedback. Metallic tape measures and soft tissues is not a great combination!Delete
LOL! It's not the size of the wand but the magic of the magician which counts!ReplyDelete
I'm not sure I'd bluff my way into the Magic Circle - but then again, I'm not bad at the slight of hand!Delete
Nameste to you and your Indian sojourn. I've been to India and those guys have a heck of a lot more to worry about than the size of their penises. Besides, they must be doing something right; there's 1.6 billion of them.ReplyDelete
Valid point, Stephen; as always.Delete
Just be grateful you can still get it up. No amount of length or girth will help you when you lose that ability.ReplyDelete
Well thanks for cheering me up, GB, by reminding me that impotence beckonsDelete
Average penis size...my curiosity pricked.ReplyDelete
I saw what you did there.
And, by the way, after reading this...? I checked.ReplyDelete
I knew you would - it's impossible not to.Delete
I hear that is the last thing to go, Bryan!!!ReplyDelete
Love from MN. xxx
If you did end up with a DIY circumcision, you could at least start your own YouTube channel where you'd pass on that skill to any DIY enthusiasts!ReplyDelete
As for measuring penis size, I find that pretending centimeters are inches does wonders.
Now you mention it, Daniel, the statement 'I'm a size 12 in the nether regions' does pack a certain punch.Delete