Saturday 14 February 2015

Big-ball syndrome

Courtesy of Salvatore Vuono at
FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Recently, I read an interesting post, titled ‘things women with big boobs would like you to understand’, in which the author laments the boob sweat, straining blouse-buttons and the way that hugging someone much shorter than herself can mimic a scene from a soft-porn film. This got me thinking about what might represent the male equivalent of this anatomical curse. It came to me suddenly: big-ball syndrome, followed by the growing realization that I am one of the afflicted.

At 56 years old, my ballocks are enormous and, worse still, seem to be inflating with each passing day. So what are the disadvantages of owning a huge pair of gonads?

  1. When I sit on the toilet my balls plunge into the water like depth-charges; if there are any enemy submarines stupid enough to be lurking in my lavatory bowl they do not stand a chance.
  2. In comparison, they make my manhood appear even smaller than it is, like a shrivelled slug perched on a hideously obese torso.
  3. At times my oversized bollocks are inclined to spill out the sides of my off-white Jockey briefs and fuse to my thighs. Walking any distance with these gonadal flaps can chaff terribly, particularly on a hot day.
  4. If my jeans are too tight my gonads are prone to tunnel around the back, rendering them vulnerable to crushing when I sit down. (And ladies, if you think childbirth is painful you know nothing!)
  5. On those carefree summer holidays when I don the speedos I appear to be cultivating a grotesque hernia; as I walk poolside, the kids scatter, traumatised by the monstrous, misshapen blob protruding from my gusset while their sympathetic parents vacate their sunbeds and encourage me to rest.
  6. I suffered extreme embarrassment prior to my vasectomy, the pre-op shave representing a formidable challenge; imagine scraping a razor over two rutted, water-filled balloons and you’ll be getting close.
 
So let me hear no more grumblings from you big-bosomed women.

 
 

 

 

 

18 comments:

  1. I've never known anyone with this problem--it certainly isn't anything I'm afflicted with. Perhaps you're too virile for your own good?

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    1. No sure about virile, Stephen; senile perhaps!

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  2. How can I respond to this?
    Perhaps that it took some BIG BALLS to write it! HAaaaa.
    Does your wife read your blog? If so, what do she think?

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    1. Interestingly, my wife came up with the original idea for 'Bryan Jones Diary', documenting the ramblings of a middle-aged man struggling with the ageing process (c.f. Bridget Jones). She doesn't always approve of the content, however, some of her female friends are avid readers!

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    2. s u p e r b.

      I'm interested on your take of 50 Shades of Grey

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  3. Hmm, it sounds as if you need bollock reduction surgery, which would have more than merely cosmetic benefits (although these would obviously be major in your case). The evidence suggests than eunuchs live longer than men carrying dangly old nutsacks.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-19699266

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    Replies
    1. So on, Gorilla,further darken my day by alerting me to my premature death!

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  4. OMG you sound just like my hubs---he complains about the same problem---especially the bit about his balls hitting the toilet water when he sits. I have big boobs but I'll take 'em over big testicles any day of the week!!

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    1. I'm sure your hubs and I would get on just fine, swapping stories about our dangly bits!

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  5. You know what they say about a guy with big balls?
    Big skivvies.

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  6. You know what they say about big bollocks?
    Big briefs.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Al for, once again, sharing your wisdom

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  7. I would imagine riding a horse, sliding down a stairway banister, or even riding a scooter or motorcycle to be shunned activities. I would imagine you'd even have to be careful in the summer when sitting on a hot, sandy beach! Well done, my friend!

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    1. Great to hear from you Rich; I appreciate your interest and support. I do tend to avoid beaches (hot or otherwise) as I find that sand reaches places it shouldn't!

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  8. LOL dudesy, please be careful and protect those big balls of yours! Mine may have started to hang low with time, but thankfully they have been the same size, well at least as far back as I can remember. When mine start to plump, like a Ballpark franks, I am not leaving the house or wearing pants...period.

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  9. Hilarious!

    Now if you'll excuse me, I need to recover from the mental trauma. I'll need a month or two!

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  10. Hahaha! Well, now this gave me an image I really don't want of you and your balls.

    Time to bleach my memory.

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  11. Brian,..new reader here...sort of. But I have your solution and it is on Youtube. I encourage you to look it up and if it meets your discretion, I for one would like to see a follow up post. Look up the "Nutbra" on Youtube. I believe it solves close to 100% of the afflictions you show above.

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