Courtesy of Simon Howden at FreeDigitalPhotos.net |
I’m at an age when I occasionally engage in life reviews,
reflecting on my 56 years of meandering while trying to make sense of it all.
In particular, I’ve ruminated on those times – rather more than you might think
– where my actions have endangered life, either my own or that of others. One
example of the former took place in the bathroom of my parents’ home 46 years
ago.
As a 10 years old, I displayed an inquisitive mind; “why?”,
“how?” and “what if?” were recurrent questions when faced with new situations
or novel snippets of information. The brightly coloured bottles of bleach and toilet
cleaners that lurked behind our lavatory had long since attracted my attention,
particular that skull-and- crossbones warning about toxicity. So one afternoon,
while I was home alone, I decided to investigate what all the fuss was about.
I picked up the “Domestic Thick Bleach” and “Ajax Powder”
and proceeded to read the warnings on the two toilet cleaners:
Do not ingest – I
looked up “ingest” in my pocket dictionary. Eating or drinking toilet cleaner!
Did they think we’re all stupid or something?
Avoid contact with the
skin and eyes – Fair enough; even as a young boy, I assumed that spillage
on bodily parts might sting.
If accidentally
swallowed, contact a doctor as a matter of urgency – I did wonder whether
anyone would still have the power of speech to call emergency services in such
a scenario.
Do not, under any
circumstances, mix with other toilet cleaners – This warning intrigued me,
triggering all my “Why?” and “What if?” queries. Frustratingly, no explanation
was offered on the bottles. The labels’ failure to inform, along with my
emerging interest in science, conspired to motivate me to conduct an in-house
chemistry experiment.
I inserted the plastic plug into the bathroom washbasin and sprinkled
a few layers of Ajax powder into the porcelain bowl. As I reached for the
Domestos, my pulse accelerated with the excitement of discovery. I removed the
red cap (the child-proof variety had yet to be invented), dispensed a few
generous splashes of the viscous liquid onto the powder in the washbasin, and
leant over to observe.
At first nothing happened and I recall feeling a sense of
anticlimax. But then the mixture started to hiss, spit and bubble, while
emitting a vapour which spiralled upwards towards my overhanging nostrils. The
initial snort knocked me backwards, and I had to steady myself on the side of
the bath. The bathroom filled with a dense fog. My legs crumpled and my
breathing became laboured. In a daze, I crawled out of the bathroom on my hands
and knees to reach safety.
Subsequently, I learnt that the green-white vapour was
chlorine, one of the first poisonous gases to be used in warfare. My ad-hoc
chemistry experiment had inadvertently transformed the family bathroom into a
trench in the midst of the battle of Ypres in 1914.
By the time my parents returned, the chemical reaction had
fizzled out. They said they could detect a stale smell throughout the house and
accused me of smoking. I claimed that one of our neighbours had been burning
rubbish in their garden and that this must be the source of the pong. They
seemed to believe me; after all, it was a more plausible tale than the idea of
some lunatic mixing toilet cleaners in the bathroom washbasin!
Hahahaha....curiosity is in all kids isn't it? Well, some adults too! My girlfriend washed her floor tiles with ammonia. She didn't like the way it looked so she washed it again with chlorine bleach. Next she was grabbing her baby out of the crib and running out the door when the floor started "smoking". At least you had an excuse!! Lol
ReplyDeleteAmmonia and chlorine is not a great combination to have in your living room! And a smoking floor must have been a disturbing sight.
DeleteI'm glad you weren't tempted to piss in the washbasin as well. Funny they accused you of smoking. Maybe you would have confessed if they'd accused you of farting instead.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd have owned up to farting! If I'd pissed in the washbasin that would have added ammonia to the mix.
DeleteInteresting that you didn't become a professional chemist in the employment of a massive pharmaceutical company. You didn't, did you?
ReplyDeleteNo, definitely not. Perhaps not a bad thing for the security of the planet.
DeleteSadly, I think I have this dejected feeling of disappointment and curiosity every time I clean the toilet too! Toxic is putting it mildly! Hilarious piece Gary...thanks!
ReplyDeleteThanks Stephanie for reading and commenting. In those days, using these chemicals to clean the toilet was probably the last thing on my mind.
DeleteYes adding ammonia to the mix would have definitely given it a different smell, now mind you this is not a challenge to investigate what that smell may be.
ReplyDeleteExperiment 109: What will be the effects of pissing directly onto Jif toilet cleaner!!
DeleteLucky you don't smoke. Might have lit a match and blown the place up!
ReplyDeleteSmoking is.I think, the only vice I've avoided.
ReplyDeleteOMGOSH,
ReplyDeleteHaaaaaaaaaaa.
I'll tell you the same thing I'd tell my boys, "YOU, Dumb Asses!!!"
Yes, I think that about sums me up!
DeleteOh gosh this is hilarious! I did something like this accidentally for my elderly mother. She hated the dirt in the tile grout of her bathroom. Nothing I had used before ever worked, so I decided to use a combo of strong chemicals such as bleach and ammonia to do the job. The vapors gagged me and immediately gave me a pounding headache. Lesson learned…..
ReplyDeleteYes, there is a rationale for the warnings on the labels!
DeleteYour childhood stories are always a pleasure to read. Uh...not because you almost died or anything.
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to hearing about the time you locked your brother in a suitcase and THEN mixed a few household chemicals in there.
Daniel, that's uncanny. How did you discover the nub of my next post!
DeleteI have connections. In high places. Now I've said too much.
DeleteYou precocious little boy, you! I hope you spent the rest of your childhood in a gas mask during you're "experiments" in the bathroom. :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know about precocious, Margaret; deranged, perhaps!
Deletei LOVE this story. It's exactly what I would think a pre-teen boy would get up to it if his parents were gone. It also makes you realize that they put those warnings there because some whackjob has tried it! Thanks for the laugh!
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading, Melissa. Yes, I am indeed that whackjob the manufacturers have in mind when printing all those label warnings.
DeleteYou've got me beat. All I ever did was blow up those funny-smelling balloons I found in my parents' nightstand. Boy oh boy was my father hacked off when he saw them all bouncing along the backyard in the wind.
ReplyDeleteMy mother, on the other hand, was quite relieved.
I did wonder at the time why balloons needed reservoir tips.
Who are you trying to kid, Al; I'm sure you've done a lot worse than that! Come clean - you're amongst friends!
ReplyDeleteThis sort of experiment is just the start a good comic book villain needs. Maybe you just missed your calling. Maybe a dash of Tobasco would have rendered you "Meno-Man," capable of great horror and destruction.
ReplyDelete