Tuesday, 10 September 2013
Tomorrow I return to the outpatient department of my local hospital, a follow-up to my operation four months ago when I had my two most prominent hemorrhoids surgically removed. In anticipation of further fumbling around my rear exit, I ponder as to the gender of the examining doctor I would prefer. Don’t judge me, but I hope the physician pulling on the latex gloves at noon tomorrow is a female.
I got to thinking why this was so. Even a vain fellow like me is under no illusion that my bare arse is anything other than grotesque; my 54-year-old buttocks, each carpeted in a generous layer of fur, will not kindle the juices of the most desperate of spinsters. And unless the probing she-doctor gets off on humiliating males, the procedure is not going to enhance my sexual appeal.
All the women I’ve heard express views have emphatically preferred a female doctor when it comes to intimate medical examinations. As for me, I feel more exposed and vulnerable when a male is hovering around my gaping butt. Perhaps I’ve watched the movie Deliverance too many times and now harbour an irrational fear of being buggered. Or maybe it’s some primitive comfort from being close to a motherly female when I’m exposed and vulnerable. Either way, perchance all men might share my preference for female doctors when the area of interest is our private bits?
I decide to conduct a bit of intra-family research.
“I wouldn’t want some bint gawping at my arse-hole,” says my 22-year-old son when asked to express his opinion. So my “all men will agree with me” hypothesis is crushed in an instant.
Unperturbed, I wonder if it might be an age thing and that older males might concur. I ask my 82-year-old father, a veteran recipient of rectal examinations having suffered with bowel cancer six years ago.
“I’d want a male doctor every time” he says.
“I wouldn’t,” I reply, “I’d prefer a female.”
“Because men have a finger like the trunk of a redwood tree” I lie.
“But women have long, scratchy finger-nails” he says.
I have no answer to that succinct piece of logic.
So there is only one conclusion I can draw about my predilection
for feminine rectal explorers: I’m a pervert.