Tomorrow I return to the outpatient department of my local hospital, a follow-up to my operation four months ago when I had my two most prominent hemorrhoids surgically removed. In anticipation of further fumbling around my rear exit, I ponder as to the gender of the examining doctor I would prefer. Don’t judge me, but I hope the physician pulling on the latex gloves at noon tomorrow is a female.
I got to thinking why this was so. Even a vain fellow like me is under no illusion that my bare arse is anything other than grotesque; my 54-year-old buttocks, each carpeted in a generous layer of fur, will not kindle the juices of the most desperate of spinsters. And unless the probing she-doctor gets off on humiliating males, the procedure is not going to enhance my sexual appeal.
All the women I’ve heard express views have emphatically preferred a female doctor when it comes to intimate medical examinations. As for me, I feel more exposed and vulnerable when a male is hovering around my gaping butt. Perhaps I’ve watched the movie Deliverance too many times and now harbour an irrational fear of being buggered. Or maybe it’s some primitive comfort from being close to a motherly female when I’m exposed and vulnerable. Either way, perchance all men might share my preference for female doctors when the area of interest is our private bits?
I decide to conduct a bit of intra-family research.
“I wouldn’t want some bint gawping at my arse-hole,” says my 22-year-old son when asked to express his opinion. So my “all men will agree with me” hypothesis is crushed in an instant.
Unperturbed, I wonder if it might be an age thing and that older males might concur. I ask my 82-year-old father, a veteran recipient of rectal examinations having suffered with bowel cancer six years ago.
“I’d want a male doctor every time” he says.
“I wouldn’t,” I reply, “I’d prefer a female.”
“Because men have a finger like the trunk of a redwood tree” I lie.
“But women have long, scratchy finger-nails” he says.
I have no answer to that succinct piece of logic.
So there is only one conclusion I can draw about my predilection
for feminine rectal explorers: I’m a pervert.
I've had similar procedures and the last person I want checking me out is an attractive female. But I guess I'm more concerned about the competence of the person holding the scalpel than their gender.ReplyDelete
Yes skill with the scalpel should be the over-riding concern when it comes to the surgery. But for a check-up? I'd still prefer a female.Delete
I think the difference of opinion confirms what I have believed for some time: you are a logical, well-balanced human being while I'm a warped, vanity-riddled misfit!
I don't think you're a pervert. Women show much more compassion than men--whether it's about a situation or a particular 'view'.ReplyDelete
Thanks for your support, Betty. I'll give the compassion idea some thought.ReplyDelete
Luckily, I'm not at that age where I'm required to let a doctor up and into my brown eye. Though, last time I went to the doctor, he was accompanied by a super hot college girl with glasses. It was strange seeing her concentrating and taking notes on my nether regions while the doctor fondled my balls. But, I feel I'd much rather a woman when it comes to this sort of procedure.ReplyDelete
Join the club, Chiz. It sounds like you have a similar mind-set to me i.e. a bit warped!Delete
First of all, the description of you ass makes me want to poke my eyes out. Second, all men are, by definition, perverts. There's no need for you provide additional proof. That's just piling on.ReplyDelete
Oops, guess I AM a pervert. ;-)
Sorry for painting the arse picture, Joe.ReplyDelete
Give me time to mull over the "all men are perverts" assertion.
I only feel uneasy when a man gives me a rectal exam if I see a hand on each shoulder.ReplyDelete
That's a fair point, Al - and I've been giggling at your comment for the last two days.Delete
Relax, my ass!Delete
No pun intended.
I find it hilarious that you even ponder such a thing! Loved the line about Deliverance and your irrational fear of being buggered! I hope it went well Bryan! (and I hope she was a hot, sexy doctor who winked when you rolled over at the conclusion of the examination!).ReplyDelete
I don't recall her winking, Pam; I think it was more of a snigger!ReplyDelete
Well, in that case, sir, you and I are both perverts. I think I'd also prefer a female doctor. Something about males being around my private areas makes me uncomfortable.ReplyDelete
At the risk of sharing too much information, I recall a male doctor pulling my foreskin back and forth when examining it to assess the need for circumcision. That's a type of nightmare that sticks with you.
Also, you're very welcome for any visuals this may have invoked.
Welcome to the pervert club, Daniel.Delete
And I think I'd have that doctor checked out; he was probably a bloke who had just wandered into the clinic off the street!