Tomorrow I return to the outpatient department of my local
hospital, a follow-up to my operation four months ago when I had my two most
prominent hemorrhoids surgically removed. In anticipation of further fumbling
around my rear exit, I ponder as to the gender of the examining doctor I would
prefer. Don’t judge me, but I hope the physician pulling on the latex gloves at
noon tomorrow is a female.
I got to thinking why this was so. Even a vain fellow like
me is under no illusion that my bare arse is anything other than grotesque; my
54-year-old buttocks, each carpeted in a generous layer of fur, will not kindle
the juices of the most desperate of spinsters. And unless the probing she-doctor
gets off on humiliating males, the procedure is not going to enhance my sexual
appeal.
All the women I’ve heard express views have emphatically
preferred a female doctor when it comes to intimate medical examinations. As
for me, I feel more exposed and vulnerable when a male is hovering around my gaping
butt. Perhaps I’ve watched the movie Deliverance
too many times and now harbour an irrational fear of being buggered. Or
maybe it’s some primitive comfort from being close to a motherly female when
I’m exposed and vulnerable. Either way, perchance all men might share my preference
for female doctors when the area of interest is our private bits?
I decide to conduct a bit of intra-family research.
“I wouldn’t want some bint gawping at my arse-hole,” says my
22-year-old son when asked to express his opinion. So my “all men will agree
with me” hypothesis is crushed in an instant.
Unperturbed, I wonder if it might be an age thing and that older
males might concur. I ask my 82-year-old father, a veteran recipient of rectal
examinations having suffered with bowel cancer six years ago.
“I’d want a male doctor every time” he says.
“I wouldn’t,” I reply, “I’d prefer a female.”
“Why?”
“Because men have a finger like the trunk of a redwood tree”
I lie.
“But women have long, scratchy finger-nails” he says.
I have no answer to that succinct piece of logic.
So there is only one conclusion I can draw about my
predilection
for feminine rectal explorers: I’m a pervert.
I've had similar procedures and the last person I want checking me out is an attractive female. But I guess I'm more concerned about the competence of the person holding the scalpel than their gender.
ReplyDeleteYes skill with the scalpel should be the over-riding concern when it comes to the surgery. But for a check-up? I'd still prefer a female.
DeleteI think the difference of opinion confirms what I have believed for some time: you are a logical, well-balanced human being while I'm a warped, vanity-riddled misfit!
I don't think you're a pervert. Women show much more compassion than men--whether it's about a situation or a particular 'view'.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support, Betty. I'll give the compassion idea some thought.
ReplyDeleteLuckily, I'm not at that age where I'm required to let a doctor up and into my brown eye. Though, last time I went to the doctor, he was accompanied by a super hot college girl with glasses. It was strange seeing her concentrating and taking notes on my nether regions while the doctor fondled my balls. But, I feel I'd much rather a woman when it comes to this sort of procedure.
ReplyDeleteJoin the club, Chiz. It sounds like you have a similar mind-set to me i.e. a bit warped!
DeleteFirst of all, the description of you ass makes me want to poke my eyes out. Second, all men are, by definition, perverts. There's no need for you provide additional proof. That's just piling on.
ReplyDeleteHee...hee...hee...
Delete"piling on"..."piles"
Hee...hee...hee
Oops, guess I AM a pervert. ;-)
Sorry for painting the arse picture, Joe.
ReplyDeleteGive me time to mull over the "all men are perverts" assertion.
I only feel uneasy when a man gives me a rectal exam if I see a hand on each shoulder.
ReplyDeleteThat's a fair point, Al - and I've been giggling at your comment for the last two days.
DeleteRelax, my ass!
DeleteNo pun intended.
I find it hilarious that you even ponder such a thing! Loved the line about Deliverance and your irrational fear of being buggered! I hope it went well Bryan! (and I hope she was a hot, sexy doctor who winked when you rolled over at the conclusion of the examination!).
ReplyDeleteI don't recall her winking, Pam; I think it was more of a snigger!
ReplyDeleteWell, in that case, sir, you and I are both perverts. I think I'd also prefer a female doctor. Something about males being around my private areas makes me uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteAt the risk of sharing too much information, I recall a male doctor pulling my foreskin back and forth when examining it to assess the need for circumcision. That's a type of nightmare that sticks with you.
Also, you're very welcome for any visuals this may have invoked.
Welcome to the pervert club, Daniel.
DeleteAnd I think I'd have that doctor checked out; he was probably a bloke who had just wandered into the clinic off the street!