Saturday 27 July 2013

Stripping with dignity


Standing on the stage in front of 200 spectators, clad only in off-white Jockeys, I emitted a random combination of gasps and screeches in an effort to mimic a prolonged orgasm.

It was 2003 and we were holidaying in Tenerife, one of the Canary Islands. Mrs Jones and I had met Jim and June, a fun-loving couple from London, who were staying at the same hotel. In the evenings we socialized together and, on this particular night, we had opted for a social club hosting live entertainment. The star turn had been advertised on the billboard outside as a “whacky comedienne.” Our London friends had insisted we occupy a table next to the stage so as to ensure an unimpeded view.

The support act, a country-and-western singer, had delivered some Kenny Rogers’ classics and the evening was going well. A niggling doubt that a down-turn in the proceedings was imminent first arose when the comedienne appeared on the stage; in her late forties, with multiple tattoos on her arms and rings the size of a juggernaut’s wheels swinging from her nostrils, her opening line was, “I fucking hate men, so tonight I’m going to humiliate the bastards.”        

After assaulting her audience with a torrent of crude anecdotes about the sexual inadequacies of males, she asked for six men to get up on the stage to participate in an “exciting competition.” This was my cue to slip off to buy a round of drinks. I was in no rush to be served and monitored developments on stage from the sanctuary of the bar. A couple of bold young men had strode forward and were now standing on the stage alongside my friend Jim, who had acquiesced to his wife’s encouragement. I loitered at the bar as three more victims were cajoled and harassed into submission. With six men now on stage, I deemed it safe to return to my table with the drinks.

As I sat down, the she-wolf screeched, “I’ve changed my mind, as is a lady’s prerogative. Let’s have seven of the tossers up here on stage.”

I crouched behind Mrs Jones in an effort to avoid detection, and believed I had succeeded, until June stood up, pointed at me (almost on the floor on hands and knees by this point) and yelled, “Bryan, Bryan, Bryan, Bryan.” The comedienne marched towards me, grabbed my wrist and yanked me onto the stage. Pathetically, I did not resist; she had the appearance of someone with an extensive forensic history.

With seven men now captured on the stage, the games commenced. Who could do the best penguin impression – I thought my waddle was rather impressive. Our comedienne (and master), now armed with a cane, ordered us all to strip to our underpants as quickly as possible, and threatened that the slowest to do so would receive 10 lashes across the buttocks. Hence, there I was, on stage in just my Jockeys. The silliness continued with a competition to make the most authentic orgasmic sound. After six, prolonged exclamations of panting and gasping, a Swedish man at the end of the line won the contest with a monosyllabic, “Oo!”

And then the finale. We were directed to replicate the iconic scene from the film, The Full Monty, depicting the tale of how a group of British, unemployed steel-workers form a male striptease act. By this point I was getting into role. As the seven of us turned our backs to the baying audience, and the song "You can leave your hat on" blasted from the speakers, my 45-year-old hips were thrusting and gyrating as if the lower half of my body was in the throws of an epileptic seizure, sending the female onlookers into a frenzy of desire. (I still refuse to believe that their reactions were more to do with the two 20-something beefcakes dancing alongside me). Off came our undies, revealing seven bare arses. As we swung our briefs above our heads, we turned to face the baying mob; I shielded my genitals with my hand, while my more brazen compatriots revealed everything.

leotasjane1 CC-BY, via flicr


Later that evening, when we returned to our hotel, Mrs Jones told me how dignified I had been while on stage. In particular, she was so proud of me for showing modesty in not fully exposing myself in the final scene. My humility had impressed her. What she didn’t know was that, if I had been blessed with nob the size of a baboon’s, I would have been swinging it above my head like a cowboy’s lasso.              


24 comments:

  1. Excellent post! I was wondering how you were going to end this and I would have shielded myself like you did, and for the very same reason. But I give you huge points for going with this as long as you did.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm not sure I had any choice than to go with it. On reflection, copious consumption of San Miguel lager may have helped.

    Thanks again for your support and interest.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well done covering up. I get embarrassed even taking a shower.
    And San Magoos will do that to a lad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I've always assumed you're the modest and shy type!

      Delete
    2. Well, there WAS this one time in a trailer park swimming pool in 1987. After a champagne breakfast at the Best Western in Orange Park, Florida.....
      Now THAT could have gone very badly...

      Delete
  4. You've got a lot more balls than I ever would have had! (well, apparently, since you kept those covered!) I don't think I would have been up there showing my bits! I hope it was at least warm out that evening?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it was a case of a situation where I would make a bigger fool of myself resisting than going with the flow.

      Delete
  5. Good for you. You can check "stripping" off any potential bucket list. And probably Stand Up Comedy? :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, maybe you're right. That leaves more difficult challenges like watching "Dances with Wolves" from start-to-finish without self-mutilating.

      Delete
  6. This sounds like a scenario more nightmarish than being stuck on a long bus ride next to Lisa Lampenelli. Kudos for braving this situation - I'm pretty sure I would have left the instant the comedian introduced herself. Enjoyed!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for dropping in, John.

    I think it was one of those situations where resistance could have been more humiliating than going along with it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. ahahahaha! That last bit made me laugh out loud! Oh my gosh! You are brave!!! Holy crap, you must have been liquored up. I would have had a heart attack just getting up on a stage. Great story!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I'd had a few bottles of the local lager. Not sure about brave; too feeble to refuse is probably more accurate.

      Delete
  9. I love the sound of Mrs Jones dobbing you in like that! Another hilarious post Bryan!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your interest and support.

      It wasn't my good lady who dobbed me in (she would have had no desire to see my hairy arse on stage). The snitch was June, our friend from London.

      Delete
  10. Jeezaloo! I'd definitely cover up as my girlfriend would be none-too-pleased if I bore everything to the audience. In fact, I probably would have pretended to sprain my ankle while walking to the stage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sprained ankle - why didn't I think of that? But then again, I must be a latent exhibitionist

      Delete
  11. You are a good sport Bryan Jones! That is hilarious! Today someone would have inevitably filmed the whole thing and you'd have ended up on youtube. Thank god for small mercies! Mind you I bet it would have gone viral!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know about viral, Pam. Venereal most likely!

      Delete
  12. When I read your first sentence describing a simulated "orgasm," I thought, "Oh God, What has this man done now!" So I kept reading and laughing. At first I thought it was another of your dreams, but then realized, "This is real and what was he drinking!" (I see that others who commented wondered the same thing.)

    So now that you're 50 something, what will you do for an encore?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Encore? Get more wrinkled and feeble most likely!

      Delete
  13. Haha that is one heck of a memory . Loved the way you described the whole incident , i could actually imagine all this happening . Hilarious post !
    What i really liked is how Mrs.Jones admired you after the whole episode . Waiting for more such amaazing memories of yours . Cheers !

    http://shonazee.blogspot.in/

    ReplyDelete
  14. I appreciate your generous comments.

    I don't think there are any more instances in my memory bank of me getting my kit off. And I can't see me doing it again in the future - but then again, next month I am due to attend two weddings and I have my own retirement party ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha , by memories i meant all the other memories or stories that you have lived through , but then good luck with the parties , maybe stripping with dignity part 2 is on it's way lol (jus kiddin) ;)

      Delete