It is often said that each of us carries a book inside us. I don’t mean an actual oblong chunk of paper swishing around in one’s intestine, but a story – somewhere in the multi-corridors of the mind - that is clamouring to get out and is sufficiently interesting to comprise a saleable novel. Sadly, as I approach my 60th birthday, I’ve yet to find my potential blockbuster.
Instead of producing the next Harry Potter bestseller, what
I have discovered is that I’m an expert in procrastination. When I sit down
with the intention of crafting my masterpiece, I soon manage to distract myself
onto another activity. It seems I have developed a deft range of strategies to
impede and sabotage the creative writing process.
Here are my wonderfully effective ways of putting off until
tomorrow what you should be doing today:
1st-level strategies: (before sitting down in
front of the laptop)
- Convince myself I need to use the toilet – it is amazing how paying attention to the bladder or bowel can evoke activity therein.
- Long for the smell of cocoa beans until there is no choice but to go and make myself another cup of coffee.
- Prod the flesh above my trouser belt to the point where vanity kicks in and I decide to go and engage in 30 minutes of high-intensity exercise on my static bike.
- Wonder if Mrs Jones is in the mood for love.
2nd-level strategies: (once I’ve opened the file
titled ‘novel’)
- Decide that much more preparation is required before starting my story.
- Opt to research the history of World War II on the basis that the father of one of my peripheral characters fought in it.
- Reread my multiple ‘how-to-write-a-novel’ books.
- Succumb to the pull of ‘Naughty America’.
3rd – level strategies (Once I’ve started
writing)
- Agonise over the third word of the first sentence and dedicate the next half-hour to flicking through a Thesaurus.
- Re-read book on punctuation to decide whether to use a semicolon, dash or comma in 1st sentence.
- Carry out a word count every 60 seconds.
- Succumb to the pull of ‘Naughty America’.
4th – level strategies (Once I’ve written a
couple of pages)
- Imagine a potential reader peeing her pants with laughter at what I’ve written (despite my novel being a crime/thriller).
- Decide it’s crap, and press ‘delete’ button.
- Reflect on the possibility that the fact that I loathe anything written by Ernest Hemmingway might indicate I’m clueless as to what makes a decent writer.
- Google how to access treatment for my sex addiction.
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